You just don’t understand, because I have read the entire book, and the majority of it is as clear as mud.
What did you do to prepare yourself, knowing ahead of time that you would be undertaking such a course of study?
What do you mean, what did I do to prepare myself? I’ve gotten excellent grades and people tell me I am capable of achieving great things.
Not everything is crystal clear in life, as you have discovered while wallowing in despair when the understanding didn’t come as quickly as it did for you in the past. Maybe now is the time to exercise a little faith in the possibility that there is a higher being who knows you better than you know yourself and is just waiting for you to ask for his guidance as to what to do about this predicament you have.